So Much Bigger On The Inside

Hello, my name is Audrey. I'm 26 years old and I'm from Paris, France. This blog is my place to vent, to express all my feelings, good or bad. To put it simply, this is my healing place.

The sad part is I don’t even miss you.

If I don’t take news from my dad, he doesn’t take news from me. It’s as simple as that.

A bit pissed at my best friend today because we were supposed to video chat and I waited 45 minutes to finally get a text telling me she couldn’t. No apologies for the time I’ve waisted, nothing. Thank you very much.

For so long I’ve tried to make myself smaller. I felt too big and too tall. I’m now accepting that it’s okay to take up space.

I used to weigh myself all the time: every morning, every evening, sometimes even in the middle of the day.
Now, I don’t weigh myself anymore. I barely feel the need to step on the scale and when I do, I’m strong enough to ignore that urge.
I wish someday I will be able to step on the scale and be okay with the number I read, whatever that number may be.

I really like (love?) this guy, why did I have to see him with his girlfriend today? Not that I particularly care about Valentine’s Day but still. Love fucking hurts sometimes.

I haven’t weighed myself in approximately 3 months. This is a miracle. Sometimes, a little voice in my head says “weigh yourself”, but I quickly chase this thought away and tell myself that I don’t need to step on the fucking scale.

There is a problem, though: I look at myself in the mirror much more often than before. Every morning and every night, for sure, and during the day (clothed). I’m always looking a the same parts: my stomach, my hips and my thighs. How can I stop obsessing over my appearance?

I really wish I could look at my naked reflection and love what I see.

About me

"Who am I, Hedwig? What am I?" - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Yes, Hedwig, do tell! Because I find it quite difficult to write about myself. But well, let’s do this!

Some of you may already know me from my other blogs: iseebeautyeverywhere (that I like to call my whatever-I-feel-like-posting-blog) and the-answer-is-within-me, which is the most important to me because it helps me stay positive, particularly body-positive. It about time I finally introduce myself!

BASICS

My name is Audrey. I am 26 years old (my birthday is on May 8th) and I am from Paris, France.

WORK AND STUDIES

After graduating from high school (specialisation: marketing and communication), I entered university and obtained a Master of Arts degree in cinema. My dream was to become a scriptwriter. It still is, actually, but I know this can be a precarious job, that’s why I also developed an interest in film production and distribution. After several internships in film distribution companies, I decided promoting movies was what I wanted to do to pay the bills. Therefore, after my Master, I started a distance training in Public Relations. I should finish it this summer. My goal is to do cinema or television PR. I’m also interested in publishing and other areas. I firmly believe it is important to be flexible in life. You never know what the future is made of and, to survive, you need to adapt. However, I have not given up on my dream to become a scriptwriter. I still write a lot, I still have ideas, and hopefully the day will come when I am proud enough of my work to send it to a producer.

On Fridays and at the weekend, I work as a cashier at a cinema. I have been doing this for almost 8 years (basically since I started university). I’ll be honest, this is quite boring but my colleagues are nice (most of them), I get to see movies for free, it’s not very far from my place and the pay is quite good.

PASSIONS AND HOBBIES

Writing. My number one passion since, well, since I learnt how to write, really. I can’t explain how writing makes me feel. Letting my mind wandering to create worlds, people and situations, is like a therapy.

Reading. I’ve loved reading even before I knew how to! When we were kids, my cousin had a collection of Boule & Bill comic books. I always looked at them even if I couldn’t understand the words. When I finally went to primary school, I had the chance to learn to read with those books.

Cinema and television. Obviously, I had to love cinema to study it at university! I love analysing films, particularly the characters and situations.

Danse. I dance modern’jazz for 10 years. I loved it so much. At home I was always dancing, training, making choreographies. I was obsessed! I had to stop after a knee injury and, when I got better, I started playing basketball. Last autumn, I decided to get back into dancing and I’m now taking salsa lesson. I very much enjoy it. Salsa makes me feel sensual. It’s quite hard to learn all those steps but it’s fun.

Travels. I had the chance to travel a lot for my young age. I’ve been to the the United Kingdom, Spain, Italy, Belgium, Germany, to many different places in France, Tunisia, Martinique (where my grandma lives), the USA and Venezuela. Travelling makes me feel the more me that I can possibly be. When I’m far from home, far from the people that know me, I can truly be myself. When you travel, your past doesn’t matter. It opens your mind.

Running and swimming. The sports that I most practice. When I do any of these, my head is completely empty. I’m definitely in the “here and now” one I’m running or swimming.

WHAT YOU’LL FIND ON THIS BLOG

As I explained before, this is going to be my journal. I’ll put here what are for me the hardest things to say, such as the complex relationship I have with my body. This is a place for me, by me.

So, that’s about it (for now). If there is anything in particular you would like to know, just ask :)

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it, or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to." - Sylvia Plath

As I already explained, I decided to create this blog because I need a place to express myself unconditionally, a place to vent. There are many things that I want to talk about but the problem is that I don’t really know where to start. I feel so many things, I have so many ideas, but I don’t always know how to put them into words. Maybe I’m unconsciously trying to censor myself, I don’t know. I’ll be patient with myself and I hope you’ll be patient with me. I still hope that I’ll be able to say what I really want to say, even if it’s just on that blog.

In my next post, I’ll write a bit about what I do, what I like and do not like, etc. It’ll be a bit random but hopefully it’ll be a start and will give you an idea of who I am.

So much bigger on the inside

”- Are all people like this?

- Like what?

- So much bigger on the inside.”

Doctor Who

I have decided to start this blog to have a place to vent, a place where I let everything out, where there is no shame, no limit. 2013 was a tough year for me emotionally and I made the decision that 2014 would be different. To make it different, I need to express myself, to let go of the things that weigh me down, in order to move on. A blog is the perfect place for that, isn’t it?

I have decided to name this blog “So Much Bigger On The Inside” because, well, that’s what people are, really (thanks Doctor Who for these beautiful words). People are complicated. I am complicated. This blog is where I will let myself be sad, happy, nice, mean, generous, selfish, and so on. I won’t apologise for it.

My ask box is wide open if anyone wants to comment, give me advice or just say hi. If you think your experience can help, by all means, leave me a message. And if you need anything, I’m here for you as well, I’d be more than happy to help :)